How many kids I have isn’t your business!

I have been very open about our struggles with infertility, but how many kids we have isn’t your business. I am asked regularly if we plan on having more kids or when we are going to have more kids. I hate to be rude (because let’s face it, that’s how Minnesotans are 🙂 ) but it’s none of your damn business!

Over the summer while our family was away for a weekend at a resort we met another very nice young family. The other mom and I were talking and she asked if we were going to have any more kids. I told her no and she the look n her face changed from happy and smiling to a look of such sadness. Then I felt the need to explain why. I JUST met this person. Why did I feel the need to share the reason we were done having kids with her. This was not my decision but as time goes by I am more and more ok with it.

Every time someone asks about our kid situation I am reminded that we aren’t having more. It’s like opening an old wound that is just about healed. While I want to continue to share our infertility struggles, I don’t want to share it because I feel obligated to explain myself to you. Why is it not ok for someone to just have 1 child these days? I know a lot of people that only have 1 kid and I know a lot of people that many kids and I have never asked why. I know why people have many kids – because they are amazing little people! Watching them learn and grown and change every day is amazing!

So please keep this in mind next time you want to ask someone if/when they are going to have kids or have more kids. The reason why may not always be their choice and the question alone could be very hurtful!

 

This struggle is real

It was one week ago today that we got the news we feared, that I am not pregnant. I am still struggling with the finality of that. We knew going in to this last cycle that if it didn’t work we were done trying. We were going to take our lives back from infertility. And while there is a huge weight that has been lifted off our shoulders in making that decision it is still a hard pill to swallow.

I look back at the last 3 years and think of all of the things I don’t get to experience again. I will never again feel a baby move and kick inside of me. I will never hold a tiny newborn just minutes old and stare in awe at what my body created. I will never again experience the excitement of the first time the baby rolls over, crawls, walks, talks. I feel like I should have paid better attention. Those moments happened in the blink of an eye and then they’re gone.

Some people make the decision to only have one child and that’s ok, but it is hard when that decision is made for you. I wish I would have met my husband 10 years earlier. It’s not fair. I try reminding myself that we are blessed and that some couples don’t get what we have. I try tell myself to suck it up and get over it but I don’t need to do that. These are my feelings and they are real.

I can’t however let these feelings get in the way of raising and caring for and loving our beautiful little girl! She is the most amazing little person I have ever know. Watching her grow and change every day is one of my favorite things. She has such a funny personality. She loves to mimic those around her and is getting so independent.

We’ll get through this but I will never get over it. This infertility struggle is real!

 

Our baby making journey is over

It is with a very heavy heart that I announce that our baby making journey is over. We knew several days ago this was likely the end and right now it doesn’t make it any less sad. Think of something you want so badly and then think about someone telling you that it’s just not in the cards for you. It’s nothing short of devastating. I will mourn the children we won’t have and coming to terms with this is going to take some time but we will get through this together. We have an amazing life. We have two beautiful girls that we will spend our lives spoiling!

While we didn’t get the results we wanted, we are ready to move on. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars and our life has been on hold for 3 years. We have done everything we can to build the family we hoped for but at some point you have to say enough is enough. We have to move on with our lives.

The world of infertility could easily consume you if you let it.  And when you are going through a cycle it does consume you. The daily (sometimes twice daily) shots. The handful of pills you take each morning and evening. The thoughts and doubt constantly swirling around in our head. The early morning trips to the clinic for blood draws and ultrasounds. The receptionist and phlebotomist that see you so often they know you by name and remember which arm your good vein is in. But you can’t let it consume your whole life. You can’t dwell forever on what just isn’t meant to be.

I have met some of the strongest women I have ever known by sharing my story. Some of them I hope to be friends with for life. I will cheer them on as they continue on their own journeys! I think any struggle you go through makes you stronger. At the time you’re living it you may feel week and like you can’t go on, but you always come out the other side stronger than you were before.

I am stronger than ever and I am so very blessed to have an amazing husband and 2 of the sweetest girls I have ever known!

The cost of infertility is about so much more than the money

The majority of the general public is likely to get pregnant without spending thousands of dollars. Without going to probably hundreds of doctors appointments. Without getting countless blood draws. Without taking a handful of medication each day. However, that doesn’t mean that they aren’t going through something else. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a struggle. It may be different from yours or mine. But that doesn’t make it any less real, any less painful, any less.

This is a photo my husband took of me the right before our transfer on Monday. I was on valium and only vaguely remember it being taken 🙂 . His caption –  “Our last chance”. Those are very loaded words. Full of anticipation, excitement, worry, anxiety, joy, fear…

Quite often I am on the verge of tears dreaming about what could possibly never be. This is my struggle. This is my story. I try to stay positive about this cycle, but it is in my nature to protect myself. I have experienced hurt and pain and disappointment in my life and it is only natural to do what I can to protect myself from feeling that pain. What helps me? Sharing my story. Writing this blog. Hoping to help other at the very least know they are not alone no matter what their story or struggle is.

What is your story? Share it. Own it. It’s part of who you are.

 

We’re ready to roll!

This is a bitter sweet cycle for us. It is our last try. I went in on Wednesday and the nurse confirmed that we are good to move forward with our July 20th transfer date. Such a relief! Within the next month or so we will know our fate as parents. Will we settle in to life as a family of 4 or will we become 5? It’s both very scary and very exciting. I saw this at a boutique we were at over the weekend and found it very fitting –

I have definitely lived these last 3 years out of my comfort zone. I have always been a planner. I like to know the details. I like to know how things are going to go and how they are going to turn out in he end. When we started down this road I still very clearly remember the day in the car when I told my husband I would never do IVF. I told him if IVF was our only option then we wouldn’t have kids. Of course, when I found out that was our only option we couldn’t not give it a try! It has brought out all of the emotions I think I feared back then. But in the end it has made me a stronger person and while it has put my husband and I to the test, we have come out stronger on the other side.

I am ready for the closure one way or the other. We got this!

Infertility, I hate you!

That’s right, I said it!! I hate it! I hate walking into the fertility clinic early in the morning and feeling like I can’t make eye contact with anyone in there. Everyone walks in, checks in, sits down and immediately pulls out their phone to play on until their name gets called and they go back with the nurse. Then when you’re appointment is over you stop and make your next appointment where the receptionist usually (not quietly) repeats the procedure you need to have done next time and you walk out head down. I hate the looks of sympathy those that do catch your eye give you. You know they are there for the same reason and yet there is such an uncomfortable feel in the air. I hate the pressure of not missing any meds or making sure I have the doses correct. I hate the moods that can go along with the crazy hormones. But boy oh boy does that end result make it all worthwhile!!

This morning I went in for a lining check. Who doesn’t love starting their week with an internal ultrasound of their uterus?!? I know you’re jealous ladies! My lining is not yet thick enough for our scheduled transfer next Monday. Today I was measuring at a 6.3. I know what you’re thinking, “what does that even mean?”. Well, they want me to be at a 8.5 so the bottom line is I am not where I need to be for Monday’s transfer. Now what? Well, one of my medications was increased from 2 times  a day to 4 times a day. Add that to what I already take on a daily basis…ugh!

The good news is none of these pills cause any horrible side affects as long as I take them with food and lots of water. The same can not be said for the belly shots I was hoping to be able to stop today. Those cause horrible headaches. Not every day, but most days. Here’s to hoping all is well on Wednesday and I can stop those shots then!! Of course, then it’s on to progesterone shots but I am not sure it’s a very good trade off (big shots in my bum each morning and night). It is all worth it in the end though. I just need to keep my eye on the prize.

Today’s appointment did make me question our last cycle though. Everyone knows how that cycle ended and now I can’t help but think it could have ended differently. When I went in for my lining check that time I was told they were looking for a 7.5. Today I was told 8.5. I can’t help thinking the last cycle failed because my lining wasn’t thick enough. I can’t dwell on that though. I need to focus on this cycle being a success. I do feel good though knowing they won’t move forward this time unless things are just right. We got this.

I am anxious for Wednesday to see what happens next. Thank you everyone for your kind words and support!! It makes the tough days a little easier!!

 

 

The emotions of infertility

As I work my way through the days of shots in preparation for our next cycle it is with very mixed emotions. Part of me is really glad that good or bad this is our last cycle. There will be no more birth control in my life, ever! In fact, after I take my last pill tonight I am going to throw the rest of my pack in the camp fire. After this cycle there will be no more shots. No more strong antibiotics for weeks at a time. There will be no more early morning blood draws at the fertility clinic.

On the other hand, if it doesn’t work, there will be no more. There will be no more hopes and dreams for what might be. No more hope for a growing belly. No more dreams of snuggling with a tiny little baby in the middle of the night while everyone else sleeps. No more.

I really do feel ready to move on one way or the other. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I am trying not to get too hopeful. I am trying to be realistic. Where is the balance in these feelings? I have no idea!

I love my life! I have the greatest husband in the world. I have a step-daughter who is turning in to the most beautiful, talented, loving, caring, sweet young lady. I have a little girl who has brought so much joy and laughter to our family. Watching her grow and learn and change every day has been the best thing ever. I am happy with my life. It’s nothing like I ever imagined it would be, but it is perfect just how it is. But I still long for another baby. The uncomfortable weeks and months of pregnancy. Those exhausting early weeks of having a newborn. The excitement of milestones like their first tooth, sitting up, crawling, etc. But I know that if it doesn’t work out, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have been blessed!

So many mixed feelings. Infertility sucks!

Focusing on the future, not on the past

When I found out I was pregnant after our last frozen embryo transfer I knew many other people that were finding out they were pregnant too. Now when I hear about their baby updates it stings a bit. Not because I’m not happy for them because I absolutely am, but I am also sad for me. Sad that the cycle ended the way it did. Sad that we have to go through it all again. Sad that I would be nearing the half way point on my pregnancy. Just sad.
I try to push those feelings aside and focus on the upcoming cycle, but sometimes they show their ugly face. We can’t help the feelings we have. They aren’t always healthy or rational but they are always real.
So on tot he future! I have been on birth control again for about 6 weeks and in 6 days I will start shots for our next cycle. I am doing my best not to feel too optimistic although I don’t think that will make the blow any easier if it doesn’t work. I am ready for a month of horrible headaches and all of the other side effects that go with these medications. Good or bad, in the end it is all worth it. I have never been one to live my life wondering “what if”. If we don’t do this it definitely won’t work, but if we try it might! That’s my little piece of advice to anybody going through anything!

And we’re in the books!

My appointment on Monday went great! Everything looks perfect and we got the go ahead to move on with our last cycle. We are on the calendar for a July 20 transfer. I have 4 medication free weeks until it’s back to belly shots and a variety of pills. It feels so far away – 2 months from today. Our doctor is retiring in a couple weeks so this cycle will be done with a different doctor.

Having a plan brings on a whole mix of emotions. Anxiety and excitement to try again. Fear and worry of it ending in another miscarriage. But also strength. I know that no matter what happens, we will make it through this. We have each other and are surrounded by loving family and friends that will help us through – good or bad.

Today when I called in to the pharmacy to schedule my medication delivery the girl I spoke with laughed out loud when I told her my last name. She said as long as I am not living up to it I should be good. I told her I was sure my husband did in his younger years. She had a hard time trying to collect herself and finish up our call. I am glad something so simple could make someone’s day a little brighter!

We recently had a good friend of ours set up a GoFundMe account for us. After hearing that we have spent close to $50k on our treatments and cycles she wanted to do something to help. After fees we raised $636.00 which promptly went to pay toward bills from our last cycle. I also used my Younique business and held a party/fundraiser where all commissions will be going to pay for my medications for this cycle. Every little bit makes a big difference!!

I feel like through all of this I should be doing more. I don’t know what that is yet, but I am on the hunt. I would love to find a way to help others through this process. Up until now I feel like this blog and sharing our story have been my ways of helping, but I feel like I need to do more.

Chapter…I lost count

Today starts another chapter of our journey. In the 5 + years my husband and I have been together we have been through a lot. Some of these things, by design, would tear some couples apart. Not us. We have only gotten stronger. We can make it through anything.

Today I go in to see our RE (aka – fertility doctor) for a sonohysterogram (they flush my uterus with saline so they can get a good view on ultrasound). I believe this is my 4th or 5th one. Today she’ll be making sure my uterus looks good after my D&C last month. If all looks well, we’ll get to move ahead with our last FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle. If not…I don’t know, but let’s not think about that!

After the pain we went through with our last cycle Jason asked if I would be continuing to share our story. While I am not sure I’d ever known a pain like that in my life, I know I am not alone. Isn’t that the purpose of my blog anyway? So nobody going through infertility has to feel alone? Yes, I will continue to share our journey. As a result of sharing our journey so many other people have shared theirs with me and I am inspired to keep going. This blog isn’t just for me, it’s for everyone struggling.

Were definitely approaching this next cycle much more cautiously than we did with the last. We know we have support all around us though and no matter the outcome we will make it through!